So I started this new series called Dance Academy, its an Australian TV series following people at the National Academy of Dance or something like that basically at the RAD. It sorts of helps me and keeps me together sometimes when I watch it because theres a space thats missing inside me. I’m starting to cry writing this because I have held it in for so long.
Dance was my life, it is my life. Still. And it hurts to say that I used to dance because its like I don’t want to admit I don’t dance because its still a huge part of me. Its who I am because my life is nothing without it, I am not me without it. I have been feeling like I’m not myself anymore, and I think its because I’ve not got my first love anymore, I haven’t watched a show in a while.
I sort of avoid listening to music sometimes because I know how inspired I will be and it’ll break my heart knowing that I won’t be on stage again doing what I do best and only know how to. Theres this song.. Take Me to Church by Hozier and when its on, I just go into dancer mode and just want to break everything free and then reality sets in that I have to go to uni, or do uni work or go to work when thats not what I want to do at all. I just hate admitting that its all in the past when I want it to be my past, present and future but its not. I’m at uni doing a different degree. I wish I had the confidence when I had the opportunity to go dance and do all the auditions I should have done and tried to make it even though the percentage of getting a job is so slim. I just wanted someone to give me a chance but I knew I was never good enough.. but I probably would have done okay.
It’s like I can’t face reality and go back because I don’t know how to do it anymore. I’ve not done it for a long time. I know I haven’t forgotten, I’m just scared and its not an easy thing to get over and nobody seems to understand that. Its the embarrassment of how awful I have become, and how not me I am anymore. I sometimes feel its a dream not reality but I don’t like or enjoy thinking that way.
Recently, I have been remembering my life as a kid and how naughty I was in school and how different and grown up and responsible I am now and sometimes I don’t think thats me and that I can’t cope with it all. I think dancing is a way of keeping my childhood with me, and dance is my medium to my life and to get away from things.
I was bullied through high school, all of it and didn’t really tell anyone. And dance was my coping mechanism. I didn’t realise it was something I am going to need forever at the point where I was deciding on my future. But I do need it if I am honest. It makes me a better person, gives me a motivation, gives me a personal goal that nothing else can give me. Its like I miss the competition of it all, and most of all the way it makes me feel.
It makes me the person I am, and I am sorry but without it I feel like nothing. So I am sorry if you like my nothingness, I don’t. I’m all empty and have no go. It’s like at school, I had the best friends in the world and afterwards and now, I have nobody and I don’t even have dance to keep me going. We did a lot of naughty stuff, and messed about but it didn’t matter cause I could still go dancing. If I was poorly and didn’t go to school, I still went dancing because I wanted to. I didn’t realise I would miss the want to go dancing as much as I do now. At the minute, I am a ghost and I just wish I had the balls now as I did when I was younger sometimes because if I did, I wouldn’t be sitting around moping about this shit. I’d be dancing. Growing up sucks.
I don’t think anybody or anything in the world can give me the sensation, the discipline, the motivation, the beauty, the rawness, the emotion, the capability, the love and the satisfaction like my first love of dance can. Its my home.
Dancing is my glue, and without it I am falling to bits. But thank you dance academy for showing me how much passion I have for it.
Although, I can’t afford it now, apparently I am an adult.
Over and Out