I have these rollercoaster days occasionally and today was one of them.
This morning I received the most amazing gift I could receive, it was bittersweet but the nicest thing in the world and I could most definitely not be more grateful if I tried. It was a parcel from my ex’s auntie and uncle for my 21st birthday with a letter inside it which was beautiful, and yes it made me cry but it wasn’t upsetting. I was thankful that people still care, even under all situations. It did hurt that it reminded me that I had not only lost someone who I thought I could spend my life with, but his family also.
That has been the hardest part for me, personally, losing my niece.. who I loved and lived for even though we were miles away. I was around for when she was born, until just before her second birthday. I loved her so much and thats been taken from me.
As a person who lives for children, it was so difficult especially when it was her birthday coming up and christmas and I was there to choose and get excited about her presents and buy some too. But this is life, you win some, you lose some I guess.
That was sort of that really, it happened and I got over it.. just.
Then something else happened, and I realised how much I have thought I was above everyone for the past few weeks, and thought I could do what I want and be in control of anyone or anything really. I’m so used to having to be the one to make decisions, to take control over things and now, I’m not and it’s a really hard concept to try and battle because I don’t know why I am like I am. I’m so glad that this person said something to me because I didn’t realise I was doing it. It has totally knocked my whole confidence that I had just managed to start building up though, so now I’m back to square one and being emotional and wondering why.
I think most of the reason why I need to feel wanted or loved or like someone is interested in me is because of being bullied at school everyday for the five years I was at secondary school. I feel like its a trigger that someone has sparked and I just can’t get rid of it. I think because it was lads, mostly, that bullied me.. Its the need to be wanted and have attention from the opposite sex that I crave the most as I see it as a sign of approval from them, that actually I am pretty or attractive but mostly a good person inside.
This leads on sort of to the fear of talking to someone new that I have. I am so much more likely to talk to someone or try get to know someone that I have met before because its familiarity. I’m not keen on change so I tend to try stick with what I know. Being in a relationship for 3 years has made me forget who I am in a way, and I am trying to figure out who I was before. I’m getting there, I know that I was a flirt and confident and an excitable person but I didn’t realise how hurtful I could be without realising.. Again.. shout out to the person that told me today. I think I’ve forgotten about other people’s feelings and been selfish recently. And some of that is because I spent so long only thinking about someone else’s feelings and not my own, apart from the occasional time, that I’ve been a bit of a dick really. I have just realised, literally now, what I need to do to grow up a bit. Sorry to those I’ve been a bit of a cow to, and those who I thought it was okay with but its not.
This sort of brings me on to a moan about my fear of lads just seeing me as ‘sex’ or ‘meat’. I’m really scared that anyone I talk to nowadays, that that is all they want. And its really hard for me to cope with the idea that that is all I could be to someone. I feel like its a social expectation in a way, that when you come out of a relationship that all you want to do is sleep around but thats definitely not me and definitely not how I wanna deal with things.
I have this constant battle in my head between it being okay and it not and I was in a situation where it probably would have been right but I still can’t shake the idea of it wanting to mean something. There is a story behind this, and it’s happened to me before, twice but I have only just associated that with it all just now too. Blogging is amazing, I feel so much less stressed already. I was told by such an amazing person, and friend, that if it felt right, I should have done it. I was in that situation again but I didn’t which I regret, but I don’t too. It’s strange. I was also in a relationship when I was younger where sex had too much of an importance and it has totally just knocked my trust for anyone.
This takes me to a place where I now realise how much sex means and is fundamental in a relationship. I don’t want to put mine and my ex’s sexual past on here but I realise now that I was quite naive to it and to my feelings about him and things associated. It’s crazy how I’ve managed to get to that conclusion and I can’t thank the person who helped me realise enough because it has been a huge turning point in my mentality and given me a lot of strength to be able understand several things and in a way come to terms with what is right and wrong. I now get that, fully. Although, despite this because it does make my ex sound like a bad person.. it was nothing to do with him and was all to do with me. He was the most understanding person in the world and I definitely think that whoever is with him next, is the luckiest person alive.
I also have this admission, I hate being on my own. It’s so difficult not being able to give someone my time and love and energy and I find it really hard that I don’t have that back either. I miss just being able to turn to someone about anything, and everything no matter what it is and having that sense of comfort in them to support you. I miss the affection mostly, like the physical contact and the passion I suppose. So I am really looking forward, because I can, to finding someone deserving of that. As I once saw, a woman’s heart is the best gift a man can receive.
Here’s to finding someone who I can love and cherish, and receive that back also.
Over and out,