So, this morning has been a good one to say I’ve done literally nothing.
This morning has been a weird one thinking about the last week that I’ve had and theres one thing that has been playing on my mind. Well actually not just this morning but most of the week. I received a very unexpected phone call from my ex boyfriend last Saturday which wasn’t an issue but was one of the oddest things I have experienced.. I was stood outside Earl of Doncaster waiting to go into a wedding talking to him.
We spoke about a lot of things and I’m happy for him that he has finally done everything that I wanted him to do while we were together. I don’t know if he’s done it because I was holding him back, which I hope not, or that he didn’t need to while he was with me. Who knows? But I am genuinely happy for him. He told me that the day previous was a weird one because it was the date we were meant to be going on holiday, a date which I hadn’t even thought about at all due to so much going off with me going volunteering soon and uni and stuff. It struck me as an ‘odd’ thing to say really considering he is now with someone else, but I suppose you never forget these things. Although, I did.
I feel like I am finally at peace with the last 3 and a bit years though, what happened and the indicators to us both that should have meant we split up way before we did. I think when you’ve been with someone for that long, you just have that fear of being on your own and I am sure we both felt like that until one day it just sort of snapped for him.
I’ve never hated him for it though, never. Maybe I knew deep down that the relationship we had was mostly incredible whilst it lasted and we were good for each other but sometimes you just have to let go. That phone call the other night was finally what I needed to let go. As much as I nearly cried because we mentioned his niece.. I nearly let everything go but I held it together. It is becoming easier to not have her in my life, but I still see pictures of her growing up and it is so heartwarming to know that for 2 years I had the privilege of being in her life and seeing it first hand. But I’ve grown up now, I’ve moved forward and I am very proud of myself for this.
I manage to get myself in some right situations though but I’ll always come out stronger from them. I think I again, finally, understand that I just need to go with the flow and chill out a lot more.. which I have done. Since being single, I am a lot less of a stress head and it’s great.. I feel so much more at ease with everything in my life.
I am actually, very, very happy.
– although, I do miss being in a relationship.. but that’s just who I am as a person. I think I am very insecure on my own sometimes and having someone there just to be like ‘Oh you’re doing fine.’ is great. BUT on the other hand I have learnt to do that myself. I could have an argument with myself for days about this but never mind. I would like someone to just travel the world with me though, that would be fun!
There was a little patch I went through where I was so down and I have really picked myself up and learnt that you can’t live your life for other people and until you see that you’re never going to progress or move forward. I’m doing this for me now, and if someone else wants to join me, that’ll be amazing but if not.. does it really matter at the moment?
Yeah, all I want in my life is a family and a good man around me but I still have time for that. I think I need to stop worrying about the future and live for the moment.
Going to Tanzania is going to be such a highlight of my life and it is definitely going to show me who is there for me when I get back. I hope that things some people have said to me are true and they aren’t playing games but we will see and if they are literally like, it doesn’t matter because I will have learnt from it. This is time for me to learn about me and along the way give those less fortunate an amazing opportunity that they wouldn’t have had otherwise.
Don’t you just wish you could rattle words of an essay off like a blog post? Yeah me too, although I think that was technically a rhetorical question that I just answered myself.
Over and out,