Before I start anything else, I am going to thank Erin – a lovely person I met on my last placement. She inspired me to share my journey as she has started sharing hers although in video form. I am sure at some point I will have much more to do with Erin and she may feature more on my blog too.
On a side note here, I am not going to write whats going off. I may write a few bits so you get the gist of my shit but there will probably be no direct reasons. I ain’t ready for that and I’m not going to plaster stuff all over here for nosy people. If you cared, you’d ask me personally. Sorry – that needed to be said!
SO today I started my CBT journey and I am hopefully going to post about it every session I have and how I am moving forward.
SO I went to my GP about several different things on my plate at the moment.. work, family, third year blues, my weight, my weight… my weight. Evidently these things have been on top of me for a while and I have been trying to deal with them on my own. Not ideal for anyone that is trying to deal with writing a dissertation and so many assignments on top of life and work stuff. SO that’s where it started and today I went to see the PWP, the very lovely Marcia, at my GP clinic.
FIRST, we did some questionnaires to determine what was going off that needs to be dealt with, BABY STEPS AT A TIME. Not all or nothing and everything at once like I seem to think I can do. I want everything now.. no, breathe. Essentially, Marcia is trying to equip me with some coping mechanisms BUT she’s not doing it for me which I totally agree with because who’d take advice from someone else right? HAHA!
We don’t all fit in a square box.
She was quite frank with me and my answers.. questioning me constantly and slowing me down when I needed to. It was odd because yesterday on my CPD at coaching, it felt the same approach as I would use to teach. Like let them control. Not going to lie, I didn’t enjoy that control in that situation. She asked me what fight or flight meant and of course I know it but I am so scared of getting things wrong sometimes that I clammed up, nah not today. A few sharp prompts later and I told her, well done. She went into a little depth and there we go, moving forward. We looked at this model of stress and my god it makes sense again cycle and looking at feelings that you know and see and things that you recognise happen to you. My massive one is lack of sleep.. I just worry loads about everything to the extent I can’t sleep.
SO what happened then, was she went through this really good model and I need start understanding how to put it into practice instead of critically analysing everything like I would for a uni assignment. Admittedly, it didn’t help that she put it right in front of me like a uni hand out. Okay. I did note the year of the paper 2009 and the author began with a T. We went through this model and it was a ship and I had to tick the things I was doing and be proper honest. I was proper honest and you know what we identified.. I am putting barriers in front of me because I am scared and worried and anxious about these things but you know what we (I wrote we then, I actually mean I alongside the support of Marcia), can deal with.
The main thing we identified is that I need to do more about my physical health and diet. I understand this totally. Improving that will improve everything within my mental state because as was explained at the minute I am using adrenaline to fuel my anxiety and stress but not burning it off. The gym will help. My first steps are to eat better and go to the gym or even just a brisk walk everyday. Therefore, because my physical health is slooooowly going to pot, my ship is sinking. It’s so true, I feel want about my weight so my confidence is suffering. I’m struggling to want to go out with my mates because I see myself as huge and feel ashamed but I’m doing fuck all about it and until I do, it’s not gonna change.
Also, Marcia gave me this brilliant booklet.. I think it was from CPED or something like that and it’s about being active and stuff. It’s got diaries in it and you can write and see the gaps in it and where you can fit stuff in so I’m going to do that.
Although, I did give myself brownie points because I asked if a diary was a good idea before she even mentioned it. TICK TICK.
Reassurance, is something I look for and apparently this isn’t good and because I look for it in absolutely everything. She said what would you do.. and I said I would ask Ali. It’s not okay to look for reassurance in everything. I need to gain some control back and decisions.
Despite this, I know the areas I am most confident in are my work and how I can help other people. I am most confident doing what I do best and that is being there for others. Need some me time in my personal life like.
The hard bit was when she was asking me how it impacts others around me and you know what I know it does. It can’t be easy watching me essentially destroys myself and be stuck in a rut.
Learning and moving forward, I am going to go to the gym when this ear infection fucks off and start taking baby steps, ticking things off one by one. I hope everything falls back into place.
If you wanna follow my journey then feel free, if you don’t I also don’t really care. This is for mostly my benefit but the benefit of everyone else who is going through stuff too. It’s to break down the stigma and make people aware that everyone has a story and just because on face value they may be okay, it isn’t always the case.
Lastly, it’s okay not to be okay.
OH AND maybe once in a while, ask if people are okay. Just a simple ‘Are you okay?’ might be the question someone needs to feel cared about.
Dunno if any of that made sense but I’ve written it anyway. Cheers guys.
Over and Out.